Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried