Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Buck naked
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.