NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
*lint rolls you awake*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management