Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.