me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Brother?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
just pretend nothing happened
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.