The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I’m sorry…what?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?