Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I love it all
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles