I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
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looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Thrilling chase underway
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”