This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
You Might Also Like
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.