Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
dutch is not a serious language
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
📽️movie date🎞️
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Not recommended for beginners.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I just tested negative for patience.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.