I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.