Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike