My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
…żyje?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.