I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.