Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Breaking news:
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.