serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.