I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
My wedding will be open casket.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.