A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?