The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up