Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Seems legit
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]