Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
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My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.