[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?