My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.