A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Lmaoo 😂
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?