*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse