Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
You Might Also Like
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book