Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie