Don’t we all.
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.