This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
💁🏻♂️
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.