[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.