I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The glockness monster
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
huge if true: the moon
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*