What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
going to the ER y’all need anything
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
kitchen magnet
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.