‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram