I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
This January has 47 Mondays
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time