Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.