we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside