Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.