Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.