If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
at ease…shoulder.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Sponch
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me