If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.