I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
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Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Introverted vegans go meetless
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.