My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.