Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.