5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees