Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off