Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My patience has stretch marks.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.