There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends