Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Important
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.