“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
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Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?