Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.